Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.