dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
