You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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