i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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