Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
