I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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