If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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