Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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