The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
