Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We need a shit load of segways right now
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
