Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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