I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
