i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
