all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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