I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
