he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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