Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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