Have you finally orgasmed yet?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
