you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
