it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
