I can't breathe out the right side of my face
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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