I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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