I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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