that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
