chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
