I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
