god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
