Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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