but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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