If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
