i permit you to call me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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