girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
