My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
