lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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