Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
