He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm at about main and main street
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
