I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
