If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Randomize
