So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
