Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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