hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My feet surprised me
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
