Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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