she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
