So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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