just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
