hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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