i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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