i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
