Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.