New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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