you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
