Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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