apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
