I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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