My cat gives me a boner
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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