i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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