Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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