take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
