the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
