I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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