Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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