Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
