Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
