Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
